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Feeling Trapped?

I love people; understanding what makes an individual tick really intrigues me. Some desperately want to make changes in their world and will move the earth to make it happen. In contrast, some seem happy to continuously moan about their lot yet do the square root of jack all to change things …


find the key to unlocking the world that you really want

You probably know the type of person I mean; the proverbial “glass half empty” type. Their Facebook status is like one big novel of negativity; you could give them a cheque for a million pounds and they’d complain that you’re conspiring against them as they now have to go to the bank to deposit it. Ever spent time with someone and started off in a really great mood, then gradually felt your energy draining and your mood dwindling because of the sheer negativity emanating from them and ended up feeling like you could hang yourself?

And then you get the type of person who just radiates beautiful positive energy wherever they go and you know no matter how down you’re feeling, a coffee and an hour in their company will have you laughing until your sides ache and seeing the world in perspective again!

In my model of the world, whoever you are, there are two major things which affect the former group:

  • Cause & Effect

This is an easy equation – and you can decide which side you’re on purely because you’re in control of yourself. There are people who will blame absolutely everything for their circumstances: “It’s not my fault, it’s my parents/partner/children/boss/colleagues/economy/government/dog.” (Poor dog…) Actually what that really means is, “I’m at the effect of my circumstances” and either “I choose to do nothing about my circumstances but complain because being a martyr or victim keeps me in my comfort zone” or “I choose to do nothing about my circumstances because I don’t actually know what to do or whether I’m strong enough“.

People on the Cause side of the equation will say: “I’m not happy about where I’m at and regardless of how I ended up here, I’m going to take control and do something about it right now.”

  • Secondary Gain

This is an interesting one. You can establish secondary gain by asking “What is this behaviour or situation getting for me, that if I changed it I might no longer get?

Let’s give you an example and I’m going to use ME (Myalgic Encephalopathy) or CFS (Chronic Fatigue Syndrome). I know many people with ME and CFS and I’m going to strongly point out here that in no way am I minimising how this often debilitating condition can make someone feel. However, for some people – not all – it get them lots of attention, lots of love, lots of help. They feel safe and looked after because often a partner is running around taking care of them. Therefore they give up on the concept of getting better and changing their circumstances because if things were different, they fear that the care and attention would no longer continue in the same vein.

It’s the same with someone who likes to play victim or martyr; they happily run around recounting their woes and doing nothing but complaining to anyone who’ll listen and what does it get for them? It gets attention – lots of it, generally, because people want to listen, to help, until – that is – the behaviour wears thin and they move on to someone else.

So here’s the thing. If you’re someone who’s permanently looking on the negative side of life, someone who’s mantra is “It always happens to me” or perhaps you know someone like this, think – which side of the equation are you on: cause or effect? Has your negative thinking become so engrained that you’re a slave to being a martyr or victim? What one thing today could you do to begin to take control and change your life? Ask yourself too, what this situation is actually getting for you that you want; what is it getting for you that you don’t want? Then, when you think about making changes, ask yourself:

  • What would you get if you changed the situation?
  • What wouldn’t you get if you changed the situation?
  • What would you get if you didn’t change the situation?
  • What wouldn’t you get if you didn’t change the situation?

You might surprise yourself at the answers! Remember life can be whatever you choose to make it – and there are always options. My very good friend and business partner Steffi Lewis from recently used a great metaphor, she said: “Faz, it’s easy to feel locked within the cell of your circumstances, however everyone has the key hanging around their neck, it’s your job to make them look down and see that key and empower them to unlock the door.” I like that; it makes sense.

If you feel the urge to look at some of the options for change within your own world – from habits, fears and phobias through to relationship issues, confidence, performance or general lack of direction, then why not make the decision to give me a call and let me help you? You can reach me on +44 (0) 7932 060360

Be outstanding …